Tag Archives: Thought

Me!, Photography, Uncategorized, Writing

The poignance of years gone by.

Check out this link, please:

http://sobadsogood.com/2013/05/02/these-4-sisters-took-a-photo-together-each-year-for-36-years-the-brown-sisters/

So, the above link brings the ohemgeez for me. It makes me happy and want to cry at the same time, and I really have no idea what nerve it strikes in me. Some of the possibilities include:

  • The infinite sadness that springs from not being cool enough to have your picture taken looking so fucking badass. Whenever I try to look badass, I just look kind of pissed and like, damaged. Damaged actually sounds like it could play kind of hot. Even pissed. I guess I just wind up looking ugly. Damaged and pissed would he an improvement.
  • Not knowing anyone that’s a professor of photography or the like. It really frustrates me when fabulous people have fabulous circles of friends and I’m like, what the fuck? But then, again, like my first bullet point… I kind of do have a fabulous circle of friends. Every time I meet with someone to discuss my ideas or endeavors, they’re all like, “I need to connect you with him, her, him, or possibly her – yeah, her – you would LOVE her.” So, again, I dunno, I guess I’m just pissed there’s a degree of separation between me and the awesomeness that is.
  • I guess it doesn’t make life go by any faster, but just to see these pictures year after year, just makes life seem so fucking futile. Like, I remember when I first started therapy, I brought in a magazine tear. It still makes me shudder inside to this day; although it doesn’t make my life feel less worthy of living anymore. Well, truth be told, it does a little bit but I’m just gonna power through that thought-feeling. [Ha, though-feeling. That actually makes sense.] Anyways, it was a photo as part of a story about a grandfather. He was celebrating his 95th birthday, and people were wearing buttons made from old pictures of him [from the war, as a baby, etc.] My therapist was interested to know what, exactly, about this photo was so touching to me. I’m pretty sure it was just the poignance of years gone by.

The poignance of years gone by.

And, I guess, to me, the poignance of years gone by hurts my soul. I remember saying, “Well, life goes by so fast, and the last thing he knew he was a young man. Now, here he is, 90 years later, celebrating a birthday that should and could be his last. And all he can possibly be left with thinking is – ‘so that was a life’ and then to have to see pictures when it wasn’t all behind you…”

I don’t know – for months now I thought I had made so much progress. Thought I had come really far from where I had been. But then this morning I awoke to that post of the pictures of the sisters – and it hit me in kind of the same way.

My therapist asked me, “Well, what makes you think that he thinks of it that way? Why can’t he be thinking of all his life experiences, the love he is surrounded by, his accomplishments?”

The poignance of years gone by cannot be ignored. The question on my mind this morning, I guess, then would be what about my experience and thought-feelings shrouds this in shadow, while for some it would glitter like gold.

Either way, the photographs were enough to get me writing again. I have had a really rocky few weeks, and of course, the first things to go are the things that keep me sane.

Oh, I feel like shit so let me just engage in some self defeating behavior that’s sure to make things worse. I’m a relatively competent girl who is practically paralyzed at the current moment by having to update my payment method on Amazon. I mean. C’mon.

Rinse and repeat until you can’t even believe you ever once kept your shit together.

Then marvel at what a great actress you really are.

xo

T

p.s. at least I meditated this morning [#whitegirlproblems]

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