Category Archives: Events and Entertaining

#yolo, Events and Entertaining, Me!, Uncategorized

Cops and Toddlers

I thought this was America, people.

Jay-Z

I posted this little gem of an instavideo of my son:

A few days later, I get a li’l

ding-dong, ding-dong… bang bang bang… bang bang bang.

Oh, what do you know? It’s the police coming to check on an anonymous tip that I’m feeding my children alcohol. The officer let me know that it was most likely because of a video I posted on Facebook. Greeeeeeat.

So, in come the cops; and of course, my kids are acting drunk as shit. They’re jumping around naked eating donuts (this was a hard joke not to squeeze in, ya know, with the cop being here and all…) The house looks like it’s been ransacked, there’s booze *everywhere* for my upcoming event, and I, generally, seem like I may be high on cocaine becauseitalklikethiswithoutanyspacesorbreathsorpunctuation.

Clearly, they saw the kids were sober, and that the house was that of a normal, middle class American family. Well… normal may be an overstatement, and middle class may be an understatement; but you get the point.

He looked around and was all like, “Oh, I thought it was scumbags over here. Nope. Just hipsters.”

Um, excuse me, officer, I prefer to go with “bohemian modern”.

Tomato, tomahto.

Little did I know, our little story had been posted in the local Salem News:

http://www.salemnews.com/local/x2040134388/Birthday-smoothie-video-causes-police-visit-in-Salem

Well, days later, I get another little “ding-dong”.

I open the window and look down to see who it is. I’ve had a few brushes with the law as of late, and am now assuming it’s the cops, or some other authority, like Child Protective Services coming or me.

Newswoman (who then told me she’s Janet Wu of Channel 7, which is apparently something I should know, but I generally don’t watch TV and I certainly never watch the news:

“Are you Taylor?”

Me:

“Yes…” (at this point planning on changing my first name as well

JW:
“We heard what happened and just think it’s hilarious and would love to do our feature news story on it.”

I’m all like, what the hell is she referring to? My amazing party? My recent brush with the law? The cops coming to see if my kids were drunk?

Turns out our little story about Dylan’s “beer” video made the Salem News, and the police and the Channel 7 news thought it was just hilarious:

http://wn.whdh.com/global/video/popup/pop_playerLaunch.asp?vt1=v&clipFormat=flv&clipId1=9142796&at1=Station 1&h1=Cops called over Facebook post&flvUri=&partnerclipid=

And then, of course, because this is my life, and only, ONLY in my life does shit like this go down, Yahoo news picked it up as well:

http://news.yahoo.com/video/mom-facebook-beer-post-sparks-230011967.html

Only in my life, people, only in my life.

When the police first came, I felt so scared, ashamed and hurt.

Scared, because I was thinking that Child Protective Services was now going to be on me like white on rice about this.

Ashamed, because I thought that some people might think I’m lying and that I actually am serving alcohol to my children.

Hurt, because I didn’t know who could possibly have called the police on me. I’m just praying it wasn’t any of my family members (who I am estranged from – read: all of them.)

I then, of course (‘cuz ya’ know, Janet Wu told you that I was “very involved in social media” – aren’t we all?! #hasthag?) posted on Facebook:

hey ya’ll – just a quick FYI – we tell Dylan he’s drinking cocktails and beer by adding fresh soda stream into his juices and smoothies and tell him that it’s champagne or wine, what have you.

so, to whoever called the police on us for feeding alcohol to our children; please know that they’re safe, sound and sober.

if you have an issue with our children being fed alcohol, you could probably have said something to me about it – but thanks for having the police come here.

good thing we provide the best home that children could ever have, so he was in and out in a jiffy, letting me know that someone from facebook is out to get me and to edit down my friends list. 

done and done.

feeling: fucking shocked.

I felt like a TERRIBLE mother and that EVERYONE was going to think I was the WORST mom ever. But then, my lovely friends (the real ones that don’t call the cops on me, ya’ know, those ones…) told me:

“Anyone that knows you, knows that you would never do something like that to your children. Who ever it is is jealous or envious”

“That’s ridiculous. You, ma’am, are a lovely lady and mother!”

“It’s not your fault someone is stupid.”

“I cant believe some one would do that!! im sorry there are batshit crazy people out there taylor. Growning up i always had sips of my parents drinks and I turn out just fine. People need to chill the fuck out theses days”

“That’s awful. Someone who actually cares about you or your kids would not call the cops, but talk to you if they really thought that, which is ridiculous to think in the first place. I’m glad the cops were understanding and I hope they know who called and give that person a hard time.”

“Pardon my French but what a bunch of gossipy bitches these people (whoever did this) are. I’d just be like “stop pretending u have any morals or respect for human life, first u must have ur own life n stop worrying about mine.” Fuck em Taylor I haven’t seen u in years but u would never do that ur all about the laughs.”

“Ugh..that is just wrong. A real friend would have spoken to you before doing something so extreme. Be strong mama…you are above this.”

“You are hysterical!!! Anyone who knows you, should know you’re awesome sense of humor…. All the rest if the world can F off!!! LOL!!”

“cannot believe this happened. Seriously, edit your friends list. Someone clearly doesn’t know you yet is so prepared to “rat” you out — what an a&&hole. You’re one of the best, most dedicated mommas out there. Pour the “champers,” yeah…”

“P.S. I bet whoever the fake f*^>* was who called the cops on your obviously joking, who the hell would think otherwise, posts – feeds their kids McDonald’s every day – not your gourmet organic crepes and pancakes… :)))”

and finally:

“Wowww this is so screwed up! I’m glad you got a cop with his head screwed on straight.”

Exactly.

Thank God the cop had his head on straight.

Thank you to all of my friends and media who reminded me that I AM a great, loving, competent mother – one who just happened to be obsessed with social media.

Is that a crime [the way I use it it should be!!! I blow your shit up daily with WAY too much instagram! #sorry #notreally #youknowyouloveit #ifnotdefriendme cuz I’m not stoppin’ – just asj Janet Wu.]

So, everyone, if you already didn’t know:

A) Murphy’s Law was written retroactively based on my life

and

B) Don’t feed your kids alcohol. Since, you know, um, this is something that needs to be told to people?

Keep your heads up, peeps – shit’s cray out there.

xo

T

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#yolo, Art, Events and Entertaining, Food & Recipes, Me!, Photography

And a good time was had by all.

And a good time...

And a good time…

...was had...
…was had…

...by all.
…by all.

Biffle Kisses Cool Kids?

 

all photos compliments of the ever talented Larissa of Lifesmile Photo (www.lifesmilephoto.com)

May this year be my best one yet… that’s what several cards I received wished. All my friends and family [well, friends that basically are family, really] know what a tough time I’ve been going through, and it was truly life affirming to see that the ones I hold closest in my heart all wish and suspect the same thing for me.

Twenty-eight will be the best year yet. There is no try. It will be the best year yet, because the universe and I will make it so.

I’m so excited to finally have a forum to share my parties and celebrations through; not only with those I hold near and dear, but everyone around the USA (#miley) and world looking for a little inspiration or vicarious party-time [maybe even while time-thieving from your employer… oh, YOU? NEVER I’m sure!]

Thank you so much for taking a sneak peek at the party! I’ll be writing about all the details of the event and the goings on this week; so stay tuned!

xo always

T

Oh, and PS – my friend Meredith got me a #hashtag #earring #thankyou #yes #please #girls #friends

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Events and Entertaining, Food & Recipes, Me!

attention Whole Foods shoppers [fancy party priced right]

So, I just got back from Market Basket. It’s a New England discount food store [I’m not really sure what stores like this are actually called; but it’s like, the cheapest place you can shop. Like, I think I got 12 English muffins for like, $1, cheap.]

If you have ever been in a Market Basket in any suburb of Boston, you will understand why this is meaningful. Market Baskets are the first world equivalents of a third world trading center; or a souk. I think. I’m not sure if I actually know what a souk is,  but I feel like it’s a really crowded place to shop. So is Market Basket. People are very angry there, and you best not cut in front of anyone trying to get a deal on Li’l Hugs (you know the colorful drinks in the barrels from Freaks and Geeks/the 80s?)

And it’s one of those places where you drive in a ton of traffic to get to – but then the traffic continues as you enter. I swear, it took me no less than 4 minutes standing on the curb to have someone finally stop and let me cross the parking lot into the store. The shopping carts should actually have turn signals, since at the end of the aisle, you need to indicate which way you’re turning, lest you receive the verbal equivalent of ::BEEP:: or, worst case scenario, get run over by a faster, more deft Market Basket shopper [#whompwhomp]. My neighbor says he doesn’t have this problem. He’s a man in the store with two tow-headed little girls, so everyone is all:

Oh, look, a dad who cares. What a great, great man. His wife must be dead…

And when he has to get through the aisle it’s all:

Oh, no, sir, after you – I INSIST!

I only went since the kids were with Mike today, and I figured I could handle the stress of being in this place. Welp, I guess in a way I was right. I walked out with [almost] everything I went for, and without having any version of a nervous breakdown.

Stores like this are great compliments to gourmet grocers when you are entertaining. For example, I’ll get my pâtés, fancy pickles, expensive mustards, smoked fish and caviar at Whole Foods and other gourmet grocers. Often, I’ll get the accouterment there as well. Whole Foods has relatively competitive pricing when it comes to non-prepared foods; for example, I found that Carr’s water crackers are less expensive at Whole Foods than at Market Basket. And all organic meat and produce is the same price, if not less, at Whole Foods than at Market Basket. Go figz.

BUT

I’ve been converted. I went there to buy inexpensive bread for canapes, marshmallows and such for s’mores favors, cases of mineral water, pretzels and crackers for the wine tasting, some GOYA stuff… on and on and on.

I was hoping that I was right about this joint being cheaper. I had filled my cart up to the top, and when I do that at Whole Foods, it’s generally over $400 (with good reason – it’s WHOLE FOOD). This was a cart full of crap. Crackers, water, pretzels, ya know, cheap shit – crap. But I got some cheeses, too, since they had a really nice selection.

Well, $250 later, I have most of what I need for my wine tasting birthday party. Their selection of cheeses was actually pretty impressive, and I even got a fancy mustard. All I really need from Whole Foods is the pâté and pickles. They also have an amazing selection of ethnic groceries; I picked up what I believe to be Serbian Nutella.

The challenge will be getting people to try it.

C’mon guys; don’t let my Serbian chocolate spread scare you – I promise, it’s just like Nutella, except instead of hazelnuts they mix in the tears of child soldiers!

Too soon? #sorry

I walked away from this experience with a few notes:

  1. The law of attraction is more powerful than you think. I have never had less than a 1/4 mile walk to the store from the lot, but told myself today would be different. I willed into reality a parking spot right next to the store. Literally, like, the closest spot you could get. Turns out, I did a little too well in the parking department; as I actually overshot the car and had to turn back around to find it. #fail
  2. Market Basket and other discount grocers have really competitive pricing on junk food. So, if you need junk for a party, or just like to eat junk [no judgementz – that’s God’s job – just ask 2Pac], then shop there.
  3. Twinkies still exist in store brand form. I’ll have to eat one to see how well they stand up to the original, but am assuming a cream filled sponge is a cream filled sponge is a cream filled sponge? Ew – that just gets grosser the more you say it – like the word “moist”.
  4. I’m really, really grateful that I am able to throw myself a fancy party and be a Whole Foods shopper. I know not everyone is as lucky as I’ve been, and shopping experiences like this make me feel really grateful. It’s really stressful managing life on a tight budget [trust me, I’ve been there, am just on the other side  now…] and I’m very, very blessed to be able to throw a wine tasting party filled with pickles and pâté. #justtsayin.
  5. The grass is always greener on the other side. As I walked out, I saw a woman who, upon meeting her and from everything I know about her, really has it together. Handsome [like, dead sexy handsome Greek] husband, beautiful children, great cars and a good address – the whole proverbial nine yards…

…she was yanking her kids into the store, flustered as hell and looking like shit.

Let’s all be grateful for what we have (even if it’s not pâté or caviar.)

And let’s give ourselves a break. No one really has it all together, even if they seem like they do… even the beautiful girl with the handsome husband and perfect kids.

All the beautiful, pulled together moms you see have most certainly [in the past week most likely] finished a harried grocery trip where their hair was shot, they snapped at their kids and left sweating.

xo

T

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Events and Entertaining, Food & Recipes

Life Hack: Champagne [or Cava!] Cocktail Bar

Fresh Simple Syrups!

Fresh Simple Syrups! Recipes! Champagne! What more could a guest want? O hai Miranda…

An inspired champagne cocktail bar adds to any event worth its weight in – well, champagne [but let’s use Cava if we’re on a budget, shall we?] The display is sure to wow your guests, what with all the bottles, glasses, garnishes, syrups, oh my. Where to start? Well, it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3. [I think… who knows, it may even go to 4 or 5, but the saying goes not… either way, the point is, it’s easy – OKAY?!]

1. The syrups (my li’l ‘tute from last week!). Like I said in my post, you can substitute any fruit you’d like, fresh or frozen, to make these syrups. I tend to enjoy using seasonal fruit, but sometimes find myself using certain fruit to match a color scheme or frozen fruit in a pinch. So if I wanted blue in January, I would use organic frozen blueberries [the best price on these is at Trader Joe’s, that loathsome place that everyone enjoys so much]. The fact that I’m not into Trader Joe’s is one of many bits that’s prevented me from properly and fully matriculating into American society [#whompwhomp]. Some ideas to inspire your boozy libations:

  • peach-ginger
  • plain ol’ ginger
  • blueberry
  • strawberry
  • mango
  • raspberry
  • blackberry
Drunkenness in Wait

Drunkenness in Wait

2. Make at least 3 syrups, then add vodka (Tito’s Handmade – best vodka there is basically and one of the least expensive – $16.99) to one. Mix it one part vodka to one part syrup, and label it “ginger infused vodka” (if you used ginger – if you used something different, obviously label it appropriately; or you could just fuck have a little fun with your guests and label them incorrectly so they think they’re already wasted.)

Actually, that would make a fun game. Don’t label them and have guests guess what type of cocktail they’re drinking. [Does anyone remember back in 1995ish when you could guess the Starburst mystery flavor? Well, chalk it up to my synesthesia, but I guessed it correctly (kiwi-strawberry ftw bitches) and sent away my guess in the mail. To my surprise, I guessed correctly!!! I then received a free package of Starburst candies a few years later in the mail (#thegoodolddays)]

The vodka infused syrup makes the cocktails extra boozy, gives a nice kick and is a good way to stretch your booze budget.

Vodka: Kiss the Ring Bitches

Vodka: Kiss the Ring Bitches

3. Add some accouterment (an accessory item of equipment or dress; often used in the plural.) We’re talking some fruit juices (think concentrated color, for the final presentation of the cocktail):

  • pomegranate
  • blueberry
  • white grape
  • spicy ginger beer (Reed’s)

And some garnishes:

  • sprigs of mint
  • mini fruit skewers
  • lemon and lime wedges
  • maraschino cherries (Tillman ones with no crap in them)
  • edible flowers
  • sugar cubes
  • rosemary sprigs

And that’s all she wrote, folks. There are 3 elements to an amazing make your own champagne cocktail bar.

And I even did it in 3 steps! LEGO! (according to urban dictionary: how black people say “Lets [sic] Go.”) [You heard it here first.]

  1. Infused simple syrups
  2. Booze
  3. Garnish

Now all you party people need to do is top these bad boys off with your favorite white sparkling wine. If you’re going Cava – go extra dry Freixenet ($8.99 – it says $13.99 on wine.com but I’ve never seen it for over $10…) or Jaume Serra ($6.49). If you’re going champagne – go Moet ($34.99+). Imperial is good for parties due to price point, but really any Moet [because, c’mon – that shit is just baller.]

Some tips to go that extra mile for your event and your guests:

  • create cocktail recipes and put them near the bar; guests can then choose to go by a recipe that sounds good to them, or freestyle a bit
  • if it’s a higher scale event, hire a bartender and have them pour the guests’ cocktail combo of choice – like Subway, only way classier
  • decant syrups into vintage or otherwise stylish jars and create beautiful custom labels, as shown in the picture at top

Some tips for when you only have time/desire to go the quarter mile:

  • Forget the flute. Use mason jars or inexpensive glasses from ikea (both run $1 each – check out these steals at ikea.com) if you’re on a budget and can’t afford to have half of your stemware broken (I serve a lot of the champs, and am *constantly* purchasing stemware.) For the rare occasion where I just can’t be bothered to break all my shit and/or hand wash a bunch of glasses with a hangover, I just do a small tumbler.
  • Only do 1 syrup. Make it a double batch and add vodka to one. People just love making their own drinks.

And, lastly, a tip for being a considerate, gracious and thoughtful host [the most important tip of all, of course]:

Offer a large tub of still and sparkling mineral waters, pure cane sodas and some separate juices for those in your party who choose not to imbibe. Some of your guests may just not drink (here’s to you Em’ – I’ve already got a plan for you for my birthday party should you be around!), or may just be a designated driver because they don’t feel like killing anyone on the way home. Also, some people would prefer to add some sparkling water to their champagne instead of vodka, to, you know, not end up blacking out and over sharing [you know which category you’re in already – don’t judge yourself – you got invited to a champagne party, so you’re cool either way – treat yo’ self].

If there are kids around, be sure to keep fresh juices and waters in their reach, and keep the bar out of it. Lest you wind up with mini guests who do this:

DSC_0716

Pour it Up, Pour it Up

Start feeling like this:

Initially they'll feel like this...

Initially they’ll feel like this…

DSC_0570

…but I’ve found that almost all children turn out to be angry drunks…

...and are privy to delusions of grandeur...

…and are privy to delusions of grandeur.

And they may even wake up like this:

"wtf did I say/do last night? where is my shirt? shiiiiit..."

“wtf did I say/do last night? where is my shirt? shiiiiit…”

Or even worse, like this:

#fml - someone needs an egg sandwich

#fml – someone needs an egg sandwich

In closing, keep the spirits (and your spirits) high!

Happy Party!

xo

TPG

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